Kicking up Confetti Leaves

Greeting the Sun...or Why am I still awake?

2009-08-25T06:35:00.000-07:00

The time is 7:35am. The sun is out and has been for almost 2 hours. My sleep schedule is fucked. I should get back to normal time, but it is during the night and earliest hours of the morning that I find my solitude. You'd think that being by myself with only my dogs around me as company all day would be solitude enough for me, but I still hear the noises that aren't there. A rush of cars, the loud neighbours as they drink away the day, the tiniest sound that sends my dogs into an alarming frenzy. No, night is where my sanity and sanctuary lies. My sister is never here these days so I can crank my music and sing foolishly but proudly at the top of my lungs. I can watch dorky videos on YouTube or chat with friends without someone nosing in on what I'm doing. I can do secretive things like write in my blog or load my photography/writings to DA. I can watch all the movies she doesn't like and and scream loudly at the TV whenever a football game is on.

I do need sleep sometime though. The house won't clean itself, and I cannot rely on her to be here to help. No, it's just me. My bed beckons me. Maybe I should go say hello and goodnight(day).

Being the girl...Or how I figured out life.

2009-08-23T00:52:00.000-07:00

Tonight, I have come to realize a few things.

1. Life is not as bad as you make it out to be and only gets its devious knack to bring you down from you letting it do so.
2. It's all the small, little things that make life truly awesome.

Earlier, my father called me. The time was around 3pm. He asked what I was doing. The day was boring, and I said I was not doing anything. He told me he had picked up the dog food I had asked him to get for our dogs, and was bringing it over. He also told me to get ready so we could go out. Go out? I didn't know why or for what, but I got my stuff ready to lock up the house. He brought the food, I fed the dogs and locked the house up. My daddy then proceeded to take me out for ice cream. We talked, laughed, had fun. I went with him to the condo my parents rent and where my youngest sister lives. We had just picked her up from work and once 'home' we had proceeded to make dinner. Grilled cheese and turkey sandwiches. Nothing fancy, but they were delicious. After eating, we sat in their living room and ordered a movie off of Front Row. We watched the Pink Panther 2. Was pretty good, shared some laughs and then, once that was over I stayed awhile and he drove me home. The whole turn of events, while not extraordinary, made my day.

Right now, I am sitting here currently having the most odd, but hilariously fun conversations. Some with friends, some with random people. I have music on and am drinking Diet Coke <3. I am reading MLIA and laughing my ass off. Some of these things are not out of normal activity for me, and yet today I feel happy. Happiness is a feeling I have not found myself experiencing much in past months, but today I am.

I need to take back the power that sadness has had over me for so long. Sure life has a lot of sad things about it right now, like no job, no money, stress that comes with both of those, but they do not define me. Being the girl who everyone turns to in a bind, is. Being the girl who likes to sing stupid songs at the top of her lungs, is. Being the girl who loves everyone as much as she can, despite race or background or age, is. Being the girl who takes a photo and sees the beauty in small things, is. Being the girl who loves CFL and can tell you how much points a field goal gets you or the number of her favorite player, is. Being the girl who can be content sitting at her desk, listening to music, talking to random strangers, is.

Being me defines who I am. What defines you?

Happy

2009-08-22T23:32:00.000-07:00

Things that make me happy:

* E.S.M.

* CFL Football

* MLIA

* Friends

* Good movies

* Shopping

* Photography

* My dogs

* Rain

* Writing

* Music

* Singing

* Diet Coke

* Christmas

* Cooking

I've felt a bit happier these days and I felt the need to return here. I've been getting more into photography...I'm feeling creative again.. It's so wonderful, so I had to share. :)

Grieving

2009-03-10T23:04:00.000-07:00

"Wonderwall" - Oasis

Today is gonna be the day
That they're gonna throw it back to you
By now you should've somehow
Realized what you gotta do
I don't believe that anybody
Feels the way I do about you now

Backbeat the word was on the street
That the fire in your heart is out
I'm sure you've heard it all before
But you never really had a doubt
I don't believe that anybody feels
The way I do about you now

And all the roads we have to walk along are winding
And all the lights that lead us there are blinding
There are many things that I would
Like to say to you
I don't know how

Because maybe
You're gonna be the one who saves me?
And after all
You're my wonderwall

Today was gonna be the day
But they'll never throw it back to you
By now you should've somehow
Realized what you're not to do
I don't believe that anybody
Feels the way I do
About you now

And all the roads that lead to you were winding
And all the lights that light the way are blinding
There are many things that I would like to say to you
I don't know how

I said maybe
You're gonna be the one who saves me?
And after all
You're my wonderwall

I said maybe
You're gonna be the one who saves me?
And after an
You're my wonderwall

Said maybe
You're gonna be the one that saves me
You're gonna be the one that saves me
You're gonna be the one that saves me

I miss you and will always love you, Gramma. Rest in Peace.

Lyrics

2009-03-10T23:03:00.001-07:00

You came apart on me last Sunday morning
Chocked and indicted by the truth
And it's always tough when there's never enough
Of the good things coming
And there was never enough for you
There was never enough for you

Butterfly
Where you gone
I can't see you anymore
My eyes are taken still too high
Came down naked on you
Butterfly
Where you gone
I can't feel you anymore
I can't feel you anymore

Got excited when I thought that we would last
Twisted inside out 'til we were drowning
From the first attack we could never go back so we just keep on coming
But I was never enough for you
Was there ever enough for you

Butterfly
Where you gone
I can't feel you anymore
My eyes are taken still too high
Came down naked on you
Butterfly
Where you gone
I can't feel you anymore
I can't feel you anymore

And if you think you're dying
Baby well you know I felt the same
'Cause we were only hoping
Why's it always feel like, feel like
It feels like rain

Butterfly
Where you gone
I can't see you anymore
My eyes are taken still too high
Came down naked on you
Butterfly
Where you gone
I can't feel you anymore
I can't feel you anymore
I can't feel you anymore
I can't feel you anymore

Lost

2009-03-10T21:16:00.000-07:00

You ever have the feeling that what you do and who you are means absolutely nothing? That you are like a square peg in a round hole...that you just don't fit? I definitely feel that way more often than not. I don't understand where I should be. I don't "get it." Life has me feeling like I'm drowning and there's no one there to throw me a life preserver and say, "Hey you know what? You need to be here because the world needs you. You may not see it now, but you DO have a purpose here on this earth and if we lost you, the world wouldn't be the same." I keep waiting for that. I keep waiting to see that bright light at the end of the tunnel but it doesn't seem to wanna shine for me.

My gramma is gone now. The only gramma I ever knew has left this world for a much better place than this. I hope she's at peace and I'm so glad she isn't suffering anymore but goodness knows I miss her so much! I miss hearing her say she loves me in that half Canadian, half Danish accent she so lovingly spoke in. I miss her asking if we wanted her to knit something for us, like scarves or dishclothes or hats. I miss her meatball soup, how it always felt so warm trickling down my throat as if she meant to give us a hug from the inside with her warm cooking. I miss so much about her.

I lost my job a month ago tomorrow. I've been looking but I cannot find anything in terms of employment. I have applied for EI and I am waiting to hear from them but so far, nothing yet. I miss the useful feeling you get when you have a job to go to. I miss having a reason to wake up in the morning.

I feel broken. I feel lost. I don't know how to fix either of these feelings right now. I wish life had an instructional manual. Some kind of guidelines that could help you get back on track when stuff like this happens. But unfortunately that is why life is not easy at times, because there is no manual. There is no blueprint for how to live or how to fix a broken you. But man....It'd be sweet if there was....

Randoms

2009-02-26T17:23:00.000-08:00

* My favorite color is Pink *

* I have never traveled anywhere that was not located on the continent of North America *

* I've been published *

* My (current) favorite musical artist is Taylor Swift *

* I have 3 middle names *

3 month catch-up

2009-02-22T00:38:00.001-08:00

So once again, I've left this blog and let it sit for what seems like forever. There's no reason really other than the fact that I do not write when I do not feel like writing. It doesn't mean I don't want to write more than I do, but it happens.

Anyways, lots has happened. Lost my job last week unexpectedly and out of nowhere. They tell me it's because of my sales but I am fairly certain that a certain coworker had a hand in my being let go. Whatever. I really liked that job but now I don't have it and I can't cry over it. Just have to find a new one now.

My gramma has gotten worse and worse and we heard today that the doctors don't expect her to make it through the next 48 hours. The cancer is bad and she's got a clot in her heart. I love her SO much and I want her not to suffer anymore. I know she's in pain so I want her to go. I'll miss her but I love her and this is what's best.

My sister's ex fiance is moving out now. He will be gone within a few hours and I am so glad he's finally going. He has been nothing but an asshole and he should have left forever ago. I really hope my sister sticks to her guns and won't let him come back this time.

Life is really hard right now and I hope it gets better soon.

Sing For The Moment (borrowed from Jen on Facebook)

2008-11-23T14:29:00.000-08:00

1. Put your ZUNE/iPod/MP3 Player/etc. on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS!
4. Tag 10 friends who might enjoy doing the meme as well as the person you got the meme from.

IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OKAY" YOU SAY?
Hash Pipe - Weezer

WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?
Pieces of You -Jewel

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
Chemicals Between Us - Bush (ok that was kinda weird)

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
Sweetest Goodbye - Maroon 5

WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
The Way I Are - Timbaland feat Keri Hilson

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
Lady - Regina Spektor

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
Pon De Replay - Rihanna

WHAT IS 2+2?
I Kissed a Girl - Katy Perry

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
Field Below - Regina Spektor

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Some Kinda Wonderful - Sky

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
Hip Hop Police - Chamillionaire Feat Slick Rick

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
Why Did You Mess With Forever - John Mayer

WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Back To You - John Mayer

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
Kiss Me - Sixpence None the Richer

WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
Laid - Matt Nathanson (LOL! I don't think so! haha)

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
Ironic - Alanis Morrisette

WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
Stronger - Kanye West

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
Swing, Swing - All American Rejects (LOL as if!)

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
Bounce With Me - Kreesha Turner

WHAT'S THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN?
Yesterday's Letter - 98 Degrees

HOW WILL YOU DIE?
Trust Me Baby, This is Love - Amanda Marshall

WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU REGRET?
Dear John - Kreesha Turner (LMAO!!)

WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH?
Gangsta - Akon

WHAT MAKES YOU CRY?
Why Should I Be Sad - Britney Spears (haha creepy)

WILL YOU EVER GET MARRIED?
Ever Ever After - Carrie Underwood (woah! LOL)

WHAT SCARES YOU THE MOST?
Feel Good Inc - Gorillaz

DOES ANYONE LIKE YOU?
You and I - Sky

IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE?
Love Song - Sara Bareilles

WHAT HURTS RIGHT NOW?
Yummy - Gwen Stefani

(haha ok some of these are too funny and creepy! Thanks Jen for letting me rip this idea off haha)

Catching Up

2008-11-16T00:24:00.000-08:00

So 6 months later and it seemed I'd forgotten this blog was even here. I really do tend to go in spits and sputters and I bet not even one person still checks this. LOL. That wouldn't surprise me a bit!

Lots has gone on and yet it seems like nothing has. I still don't talk to the ex who broke my heart in March and a few friends have gone by the wayside, but since then I've made new ones, rekindled older friendships and worked through some good and bad times. I think he used me, but whatever, I'm so over it.

I'm particularly glad to have rekindled the few friendships that I have as of late. I realize how much I missed their company. I've spent a bunch of time catching up with one friend specifically. We've gone out to dinner a few times, caught a movie here and there and basically filled each other in on what's gone on with us the past few years. I also had a wonderful surprise when an old best friend from my grade 9 year in high school found me on Facebook and we have since been able to chill out after not seeing each other for 11 years because she had moved away.

Since my last post here, I have also changed jobs. The place I was working for had decided to close the call center part of their business which is where I worked. Everyone got laid off and I found myself in need of employment rather fast. They did give us a 6 week notice and in the nick of time I found employment with Fido, a company who is getting pretty big within Canada. It is a company who sells cellular phones and accessories, which of course, seems to be my forte. I'm doing well and have been with them for 2.5 months now. I am coming close to passing my 3 month probation and I am stoked! So great to do well in a job that you really like.

In other news, my Grandma(mom's side) has been really sick and is dying. She is a strong woman though, who keeps holding on and persevering despite all that she's been through. She has survived through 3 types of Cancer previously(Skin, Breast and Lymphoma) but now she is enduring through both Lung and Colon cancer. These cancers are advanced and spreading and the chemo is taking its toll on my poor grandma. She's suffering, I know she is, and I want so much to have her at peace. I don't mean I want her to die, but I wish she didn't have to hurt anymore. I hate seeing her in so much pain. Part of me wonders if she's holding on for us, her family, because we don't want her to go and not holding on for herself. I trust that things are going to happen and are happening as they are supposed to.

To end on a lighter note, my dog Kirby has had puppies again. This should hopefully be her last batch. She has had 4 and they are the cutest little things! My sister wants to keep one, if not two. With the two budgies we have since acquired, I am beginning to think she's trying to turn our house into a farm! If we keep two, we will have 7 dogs and 2 budgies. We might get a dog from our aunt and that would make 8 dogs. That's way too many if you ask me, but time will tell how things go.

Movies and Madness

2008-05-25T23:42:00.000-07:00

Well, it's certainly been awhile since I've blogged. So much has gone on, and yet, nothing at all. Work is the same. Work is ALWAYS the same. I guess that's good in a way, but very mundane at the same time. I don't know...I guess there's something about consistency that is boring, even if it can be something that's reassuring because you know what to expect. I wish things'd get shaken up sometimes... A little excitement never hurt anyone I don't think.

I've been going to a lot of movies lately. Going with friends, going with people I work with who have become friends... It's great! The new Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian movie is something I HIGHLY recommend! It has been so awesome to go see various movies with my friends. Leaves me less time to be reflective upon depressing things. Movies I've seen as of late are Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian, 21, Horton Hears a Who, What Happens in Vegas, The Other Boelyn Girl, Alvin and the Chipmunks, Enchanted... And movies I want to see coming up are: Wall E, KungFu Panda, IronMan, Get Smart... just to name a few.

Other than work and being distracted by friends, life has been, average at best. I've had time to focus on some things that have happened and things I want to change. How I'm going to do so, I haven't figured out yet, but I know I will. As for now, I'll focus on my movies, music, and hanging out with friends.

Friends and the like

2008-04-28T23:33:00.000-07:00

Just wanna give a shout out to my girl, Janny who just had her birthday. Miss you girl! I miss our chats and seeing you at work. Everyone's leaving and it bites because soon it'll be just me and a bunch of newbies.

Lately I'm kinda feeling that there isn't ever enough money for the things we need, never mind the things I want. My last paycheck, which was SUPPOSED to be mostly my own money to do with what I wanted to, is a paycheck I barely saw any of. I put in my 1/3 to the groceries and ended up paying for 3/4 of the groceries and my phone and other stuff because my sister and her fiance couldn't cover their damn share of the bills. I know they won't pay me back and I won't see any of that money. My sister is supposed to be paying a bit in towards getting me a new mp3 player since it's her fault I lost 60+ cds from her car. I mentioned it and all she screams at me is, "You know we have fuckin' bills to pay too!" I should've known better than to think she actually meant it when she said she'd either replace my cds or help me buy a new mp3 player. Sometimes she just infuriates me to no end!

I don't care though, because this paycheck I am buying myself a damn new mp3 player even if I have to buy it myself! Mine is a total piece and I am tired of constantly needing to recharge it cause it always dies...and the screen ALWAYS freezes up on me! I do appreciate having it though. It was a gift, but it's dying and I need a new one. After that purchase, I am going to buy a new phone. My upgrade isn't until next April, but I need another one before then. My phone still works and everything, but the buttons are starting to push into the phone and that isn't good. Besides, with my discount I can get a decent phone and accessories for a good price. Then, by the time my upgrade is actually here, I can get one of the phones that is due to be released soon, at a cheaper price(hopefully), so I think this'll work.

I still want to take another vacation, either this fall/around Christmas, or early next year. Where to, I'm not entirely sure yet, but I do know I want to do more traveling. Traveling is such a liberating, free experience. I love it!!

Right now, I have a cold and it's totally sucking ass! I feel insanely congested and stuffed up. My nose is completely sore and raw from blowing it so much. Someone, quick... fix it! :p

Tonight I was supposed to call Chris. So I did....and he didn't answer. He was expecting my call too, so I wonder what's up. He better have an explanation for this or heads...will...roll. Haha, no, not really but I hope things are okay. I was really looking forward to talking to him. Chris is a new bud of mine. He's right in along with Wes and Andrew as my newer favorite people to talk to. Man, I don't know what it is but I get along so much better with guys than I do girls. I'm glad I have these people to talk to. They're funny and life definitely is not mundane when they're around.

And speaking of awesome people, an ex of mine has been really supportive and great lately. He sure has grown up and matured since we split. Some days I wonder if I'm talking to the same person I broke up with. I'm glad that things with him and I are getting better because I hated how they'd ended up between us. Constant fights...the distance between us... the stress all of it was causing me... I mean, I was losing my hair because that's how bad it got. But now things are back to the incredible, awesome times!

On the opposite side of things, a friend who I care for a lot has decided to stop talking to me. Not because of anything he did or I did but because he felt talking to me complicated his relationship with his pregnant girlfriend. He has feelings for me and said that talking to me made him want to be with me so bad. I always asked how him and his gf were...how the baby was and the pregnancy was going... I never had intentions of breaking them up. I wish though, that he didn't feel that him not talking to me was the only way for him to stay with his girlfriend and be happy. I wish him the best though. Man... I feel like such a homewrecker... and I didn't even do anything! Life... can be rough....

Self Awareness

2008-04-13T00:52:00.000-07:00

I'm going to share with you all a conversation, in which realizations have come forth.
Stay Beautiful = Me /Resisting the Fates. = a friend.

Stay Beautiful says:
resisting fates huh
Resisting the Fates. says:
Hey.
Yes, indeed.
Stay Beautiful says:
fates of?
Resisting the Fates. says:
My own destiny.
It's been quite the night.
And I'm quite the mess right now.
Stay Beautiful says:
alright. i'm listening
Resisting the Fates. says:
Heh, thanks. :) I don't really think there's much to say that hasn't already been said, though.
Seven months, and I'm still just drifting.
Stay Beautiful says:
I came to a realization tonight that I think I'll share with you\
Resisting the Fates. says:
Do tell.
Stay Beautiful says:
Just because the last one wasn't 'the one"..."the one" is out there. Love comes and goes. It hurts sometimes, but we move on and it should make us stronger. Use the good times and the good memories make you stronger. Let the mistakes refine who you are. You are worth something. Someone will come along and realize just how valuable you are, but first, you have to realize it yourself.
Resisting the Fates. says:
Thank you. Wise words, it'd seem. And effective, even, for some. But I'm not sure I'll ever come to that 'realization'. There are some things in me that I don't know if I can come to terms with, and time only goes to make it worse -- not better. Every time I'm almost there, every time it's all about to fall into place, something has to come along and ruin it. And often, it's me.
But I'm still here, eh? :) I'll find my way. Somehow.
The scars on my arm are proof enough I'm willing to try again.
Stay Beautiful says:
You are just being too hard on yourself. The whole "why didnt I do this?" or "I shoulda done that" and "if I had only said or did this, we'd still be together". Those are things you have to stop telling yourself. Sometimes it just doesn't last. But everything happens for a reason, as cliche as that is
you cut?
Resisting the Fates. says:
Did.
I've always been my own worst critic.
But I know that things could've been different. It's not even a matter of "what if".
Indeed, though. I do agree.
Everything does happen for a reason.
Stay Beautiful says:
everyone is their own worst critic. hell, ask my last 3 exes....
they'll tell you i am so hard on myself
Resisting the Fates. says:
Haha
I'd imagine.
Stay Beautiful says:
and i can tell you my biggest insecurity about myself is my weight and self image. But, that's getting better.
Resisting the Fates. says:
:)
That's good.
Stay Beautiful says:
and often, when something happens, I blame my self image for it
Resisting the Fates. says:
I see.
Stay Beautiful says:
yeah. its a definite character flaw
Resisting the Fates. says:
We've all got 'em.
Some just hide them better than others.

Sometimes it just takes someone who has dealt with some of the same things to bounce things off of. Talking with him has really helped with a lot of my own self reflection. When I can verbalize how I'm feeling and be able to share things with others, I feel better. I know I can be better too.

I'm going to leave you all with a song that has pretty much summed me up nicely the past, well, almost forever.

Tied Together With a Smile - Taylor Swift

Seems the only one who doesn't see your beauty
is the face in the mirror looking back at you
you walk around here thinking you're not pretty
but that's not true, cause I know you...

Hold on, baby, you're losing it
the water's high, you're jumping into it
and letting go... and no one knows
you cry, but you don't tell anyone
that you might not be the golden one
and you're tied together with a smile
but you're coming undone

I guess it's true that love was all you wanted
cause you're giving it away like it's extra change
hoping it would end up in his pocket
but he leaves you out like a penny in the rain
oh, cause it's not his price to pay
not his price to pay...

Hold on, baby you're losing it
the water's high, you're jumping into it
and letting go... and no one knows
you cry, but you don't tell anyone
that you might not be the golden one
and you're tied together with a smile
but you're coming undone

You're tied together with a smile
but you're coming undone...oh
goodbye, baby
goodbye, baby
with a smile, baby, baby

Untitled Jabbering

2008-04-10T23:21:00.001-07:00

I swear, some people honestly have a lot of nerve. I mean... wow. I just can't even express how sad and disappointed I am at the behavior some people are displaying. All I can say to you really is "Grow Up." I won't let what you said bug me, because I will elect to take the high road and kindly let you have the low road. Best of luck to you with all you do because I don't see things working out as I had hoped.

In other news, work has been going well. Made myself some good commission today because I am just that badass at sales. Going out to the movies with some girlfriends on Tuesday. Not sure what we'll see but whatever we decide on will rock, I'm sure. Found out the cheap seats theater has Twoonie Tuesdays going on so I can see a movie for 2 bux during any time that day! That, is seriously cool.

My sister found out today that she's got a lot of health problems and that's scary. If I were to list them all, we'd be here awhile. It's almost easier to ask what isn't wrong I feel bad for her. I wish there was something I could do for her but there isn't, other than be here for her I guess. I'll keep an update going.

Janny, if you are reading this, you need to msg me so we can hang out. Or answer text messages, which ever lol.

Alright, I'm out. Later days!

Randomness Part 2

2008-04-06T17:02:00.000-07:00

So I didn't go to the movies with Kim. I ended up going with Brittany instead. We went to see Horton Hears a Who and OMG that movie was AWESOME!! For anyone who hasn't seen it, I recommend that you do. I loved it and so did Brit. We had a great time. Got some iced coffees after work, and went to the theater. The movie was fantastic.

Work is getting better. I got a raise and am doing well with that. We get to earn commission now which is badass, and might I say, about damn time! :p I busted my ass to help us earn the right to commission. I also finally have my benefits which is good. I feel safer knowing they're in effect.

Life lately has been getting better. I feel better about myself and my situation and just take things one day at a time. I miss talking to certain people, and I hope they miss me too. Maybe someday soon we'll get to talk.

I'm listening to songs off of one of the two albums I recently purchased. Bought OneRepublic's Dreaming Out Loud and Taylor Swift's self titled album. I'm loving both of them a lot! Easily two of the best purchases I've recently made. A couple songs remind me of different situations. I'm gonna leave you with some lyrics from a song that I've listened to a lot. Who it reminds me of, I'm sure those who know, will figure it out. I miss you but I really wish you the best.

Stay Beautiful - Taylor Swift

Cory's eyes are like a jungle
he smiles, it's like the radio
he whispers songs into my window
in words nobody knows
there's pretty girls on every corner
that watch him as he's walking home
saying, does he know
will you ever know

You're beautiful
every little piece, love, don't you know
you're really gonna be someone, ask anyone
when you find everything you've looked for
i hope your life leads you back to my door
oh but if it don't, stay beautiful

Cory finds another way to be
the highlight of my day
i'm taking pictures in my mind
so i can save them for a rainy day
it's hard to make conversation
when he's taking my breath away
i should say, hey by the way...

You're beautiful
every little piece love, don't you know
you're really gonna be someone, ask anyone
when you find everything you looked for
i hope your life leads you back to my door
oh but if it don't, stay beautiful

if you and I are a story
that never gets told
if what you are is a daydream
i'll never get to hold, at least you'll know

You're beautiful
every little piece love, don't you know
you're really gonna be someone, ask anyone
when you find everything you looked for
I hope your life leads you back to my front door
oh but if it don't, stay beautiful

Randomness

2008-03-31T23:21:00.000-07:00

Another great day today. I tell ya, I'm liking the great days thing. I am just not letting things bug me and so far, so good. I had some good laughs with friends at work, went to visit mom and dad and my younger sister, and just had a generally good day. Planning to go to a movie or out for coffee with a co-worker, Kim, tomorrow. She wants to chat and I'm completely up for it.

Got myself some new cds today. Bought Taylor Swift's cd, and OneRepublic's album. I love the OneRepublic album and I'm currently listening to Taylor's cd...and it's pretty good so far.

I dunno... just felt the need to say something I guess and it's just babbling...hence the title of randomness.

More later when I can think :p

Can you keep a secret...?

2008-03-30T14:24:00.000-07:00

Today, is Sunday. Sunday is the day that one of my favorite sites, Postsecret, posts a collection of secrets that people send in anonymously about their lives to a man named Frank Warren.

I have a secret admiration for these people. Those souls who have enough courage to take and send there secret into uncertainty and let it be released from their being, hopefully making them feel better about themselves and whatever they chose to share with others. I find reading through these secrets to be very comforting because every so often I find one, or more, that I myself relate to. It offers a sort of serenity to me to know I am not alone, that I am not odd or weird, and that someone out there feels like I do about something, no matter how silly or obscure the secret is.

There are books published with hundreds of people's secrets in them, and though I don't own any of those books yet, I hope to start to buy them soon. I think releasing secrets anonymously like all these people do, offers some sort of hope for humanity. I really thank Frank Warren for offering people an outlet to share a piece of themselves, whether hurtful or just a happy sliver of their life that they wish to share with another soul.

Sometimes secrets can hurt but sometimes they can offer someone a helping hand and that's exactly what Postsecret does for people.

Please check out the site. Remember, secrets are updated every Sunday. I'll leave you with a link.

http://postsecret.blogspot.com

Remember people, you aren't alone in how you feel. Somewhere, someone else feels exactly like you do.

It's been awhile

2008-03-30T00:36:00.000-07:00

Well I don't know if anyone actually reads this anymore, but I don't care. I can use it to vent which is what I need(and off topic, this is typing out a lot faster for some reason...rock on!)

Had a series of ups and downs lately and I can honestly say it's been a huge roller coaster ride. The lows I've had, oh man, have they ever been low. I have done enough crying to last a lifetime within the past few weeks. The highs, are getting better. I'm starting to realize a lot of things that I didn't before and these self realizations are definitely good.

I have had a few friends tell me, more or less, that I am messed up. They think they're telling me something new, but they really aren't. I know I am messed up. I don't try to pretend that I'm perfect by any means. I know a good many reasons as to why I am the way I am and I'm determined to fix them. It is really hard though, when you need support to help get better, and your friends bail on you. I don't know, maybe it'll work out for the best. Maybe I need time away from them, but only time will determine if that is a true statement or not.

It's really sad that it's taken the events of late for me to realize how much I'm getting caught up in so much trivial bullshit. I look back on it and I can't believe how I got so sucked into it all. But, I am only human after all and we all make mistakes. Trick is, now I have to learn from said mistakes right? That might be easier said than done. And this is why I am currently exploring means of outside help. I know a lot of what's wrong, but maybe there is also things I'm not seeing. So I am sure this is for my own good. I'm ready to seek professional help. I should have done it ages ago. Not for anyone, but for me. I need to stop feeling depressed, and I do often and not many people even know that. I don't know how many people who are close to me even know how bad I can often feel. Thankfully I don't get days where I don't wanna get out of bed(aside from the fact that I'm just SO comfortable, hehe, but we all get those kind of days). I do want to experience life.

My trip last month was a wonderful experience for me. It was very liberating and made me feel like I had so much control of my own life. I traveled alone for the first time, went to see people I consider good friends, got to go to places I'd never been to, take awesome pictures and try different things... I was free. I could do what I wanted and be where I wanted. I felt loved and it was all an incredible high. I felt so happy and it was easily the most happy I'd ever felt. Many may argue that the reason I felt happy was because I was attached and in love, and I won't lie, it was a big part, but it wasn't the only part. A huge part was just the sheer freedom and accomplishment of being able to do something like this myself--to be able to decide I wanted to do something, and do it. I love that feeling. It's a rush and I want it again.

I am going to start saving up some money. Might be for a trip, might not. That, I've not decided yet. I have just recovered from the financials of this last trip, and though the past month may have been a bit hard, I made it and I don't regret one single thing about it.

I'm going to work on me. Work all all the things about myself I feel I've been seriously neglecting. I don't want to rely on anyone, but I do hope to have some friends around. I do have some and they've been absolutely wonderful. Some others, I will admit, could seriously be better and act like friends. I'm tired of the few of you who will make plans and then constantly bail on me. That's not cool, and that's not being friends at all. So please, those friends who are like that, smarten up! I'm not going to stick around forever if you keep doing that as I deserve friends who'll be there and act like friends.

There, I've said my peace... for now. More to come in later days... Stay tuned!

Just a few thanks

2008-03-17T16:33:00.001-07:00

Thank you to all those wonderful friends who've been so supportive of me. I love you all so very much!

Thank you to that one I love. I think the time apart has been good, but I miss you(and am not sure you even read here lol).

Thank you to work for keeping me distracted and my thoughts in check.

Thank you to my dad for being understanding and helping me out of a tough bind.

Thank you to the sun for shining and making things seem brighter.

Thank you to myself for having the strength to be okay and get through what I have to.

"How Do I Live" - Leann Rimes

2008-03-15T11:50:00.000-07:00

How do I,
Get through one night without you?
If I had to live without you,
What kind of life would that be?
Oh, I...
I need you in my arms, need you to hold,
You're my world, my heart, my soul,
If you ever leave,
Baby you would take away everything good in my life,
And tell me now
How do I live without you?
I want to know,
How do I breathe without you?
If you ever go,
How do I ever, ever survive?
How do I, how do I, oh how do I live?
Without you,
There'd be no sun in my sky,
There would be no love in my life,
There'd be no world left for me.
And I,
Baby I don't know what I would do,
I'd be lost if I lost you,
If you ever leave,
Baby you would take away everything real in my life,
And tell me now,
How do I live without you?
I want to know,
How do I breathe without you?
If you ever go,
How do I ever, ever survive?
How do I, how do I, oh how do I live?
Please tell me baby,
How do I go on?
If you ever leave,
Baby you would take away everything,
I need you with me,
Baby don't you know that you're everything,
Good in my life?
And tell me now,
How do I live without you,
I want to know,
How do I breathe without you?
If you ever go,
How do I ever, ever survive?
How do I, how do I, oh how do I live?
How do I live without you?
How do I live without you baby?

Just a song that came on when I was thinking last night, lying in bed.

What is love...baby don't hurt me.. don't hurt me... no more.

2008-03-13T23:47:00.000-07:00

For some reason, that song just came into my head, so I thought it'd be a good title LOL.

Things are getting better. I laughed really hard last night and tonight. I swear, I love JD! He's so bad ass and awesome! Never fails to be completely effin random and it makes me laugh all the time.

I am also feeling better myself. I think I can do some stuff that I need to, and things'll be better soon. I hope that it will be better soon at least. I always hope. I won't ever lose hope.

To that special someone -- I love you. You know who you are.

I love all of you, my friends too.

An open letter to my friends

2008-03-11T22:17:00.001-07:00

Hey

So I guess I screwed things up huh? I realize the word "sorry" means nothing from me anymore...but I am.

I am sorry so many of you lost your trust in me and don't believe me and anything I say. I never wanted things to end up that way.

I didn't lie about a lot of things like you say. I didn't do things for attention. I got a rude awakening tonight when two friends, in addition to the "discussion" I had with someone else, and I feel so incredibly low.

But don't worry. I will prove you all wrong. I can change. Thanks for telling me like it is, even if all I feel like doing is crying. I need a good cry, cause then maybe I can fix me.

I love you all, esp you-know-who

..Secretly hoping...

2008-03-11T20:54:00.000-07:00

I never thought one person could feel so empty. I feel like my insides have been ripped away and I am nothing but a vessel.

I would do anything to change the past few weeks.... ANYTHING... and I don't know what to do to fix how I feel.

I hope what I am doing...staying silent and away.... helps because if it doesn't... then, well, I don't know.

It sucks hurting as bad as I hurt. I wouldn't wish this on any person.

All I can do is write. I guess if anything, it's letting me get words out. Too bad I can't say what I need to and want to who is inspiring it all.

Maybe they'll find it in their heart to forgive me soon..

Until then, I remain... secretly hoping...

R.I.P.

2008-03-10T10:18:00.001-07:00

R.I.P. to a good friend.

You will be missed.

Life...

2008-03-09T09:53:00.000-07:00

This weekend has been the most horrible weekend ever! There's so much I want to say, wish I could say....and won't, because even in wanting to, I can't. Nothing will come out.

I will say this.

I can do it. I can and I will. ILU.

Fun Facts

2008-03-08T08:15:00.000-08:00

1. FIRST NAME? Cher

2. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? Well if I gave you my full first name, there's a cute story with it, about how my parents each liked a different name and just combined them, but since this is the internet, I don't need stalkers :p

3. WHEN DID YOU LAST CRY? Last night, actually. Before then, like... Feb 22nd.

4 DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? Generally, yes, unless I'm in a hurry then it looks like chicken scratches. Haha!

5. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCHEON MEAT? Turkey

6. KIDS? In the future, I'd love to have kids.

7. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? Of course!

8. DO YOU HAVE A JOURNAL?--- I have a blog (like, right here! haha)

9. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT? Apparently I do, as if!~ =p

10. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS? Unfortunately. I often suffer from them flaring up pretty badly though. When I was younger, they got so swollen they almost closed my throat off and I couldn't eat or breathe well at all..

11. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? See: HELL NO!

12. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL? Corn Pops!

13. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? No not usually, and I don't wear laced shoes often. I am wearing laced hiking shoes atm, but thats cause it's winter and they have good grips.

14. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG? When I have to be, I am, but I hate that everyone always relies on me to be the strong one and flips out when I have weak moments.

15. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM FLAVOR? That's a tough one, I love ice cream! I'll just say Cookies and Cream(oreo) for now.

16. SHOE SIZE? LOL Uh... I have big feet. Size 10.

17. RED OR PINK? Pink

18. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF? I don't think this is a good question. Hmm... I'd say...my skin. Seriously... it's always so dry.

19. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? My sweetheart

20. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING? Pink flannel pj pants and purple/white slipper socks.

21. LAST THING YOU ATE? I think it was poutine last night (for non Canadians, fries with gravy and melted cheese curds)

22. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? Fast Car - David Usher

23. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? I'd be periwinkle. Not too drab, but kinda mellow

24. FAVORITE SMELL? I love how my sweetheart smells, all snuggled up close to me.. and the rain.

25. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? Jarvis, when I called in to work this morning to say I wouldn't be in due to falling yesterday and being in wicked pain today.

26. THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE YOU ARE ATTRACTED TO? Eyes or smile. Sometimes hair.

27. FAVORITE DRINK? Currently it's Diet Mountain Dew or Diet Lipton Green Tea

28. FAVORITE SPORT? To watch: CFL Football. To Play: Floor Hockey

29. EYE COLOR? Brownish hazel. My eyes change sometimes

30. HAT SIZE? Goodness...Hell if I know!

31. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? Nope, I have 20/20 vision

32. FAVORITE FOOD? Chinese food

33. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDING? Happy Ending

34. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED AT THE MOVIE THEATRE? Juno

35. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING? Emerald Green

36. SUMMER OR WINTER? I'm gonna go with Winter on this one. Good snuggling weather!

37. HUGS OR KISSES? Both from Ken, hugs from other people

38. FAVORITE DESSERT? Napoleans, though I've only had them twice.

39. WHAT BOOKS ARE YOU READING? Not reading a book at the moment

40. WHAT'S ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? Not using a mousepad

41. WHAT DID YOU WATCH LAST NIGHT ON TV? Nothing, I hardly ever watch tv.

42. FAVORITE SOUNDS? Hearing my man say he loves me, Thunder, birds chirping, etc.

43. ROLLING STONE OR BEATLES?--- Neither

44. THE FURTHEST YOU'VE BEEN FROM HOME? NYC recently.

45. WHAT'S YOUR SPECIAL TALENT? Being able to be there for others, writing.

Sleepless nights and sickness

2008-03-05T19:38:00.000-08:00

Last night, I don't know if I got any sleep at all. I remember seeing the clock like, every single hour. I could not get comfortable to save my and just tossed and turned a lot. I went to bed early enough, to the point I could have potentially gotten 10+ hours of sleep, but it fells like I got maybe 3...IF that. I wasn't feeling too good when I went to bed, and have been pretty sick since Saturday. I thought maybe we had some bad Chinese food that night that may have caused it but now I am thinking I might have a bad case of the flue, since it's not going away or clearing up at all. Sucks, but at least there are only 2 more days until the weekend, where I may be doing some overtime anyways. I need the hours and the overtime will help immensely, both in paying current bills, and in saving up for another trip.

Seriously though, I have felt like death warmed over. Yesterday I was so cold, despite wearing socks, slippers, sweats, a shirt, AND a sweater. I should prob go to a doctor soon if this doesn't improve. I do feel SLIGHTLY better today so hopefully that's a good sign. I don't want a certain someone to worry, since he's told me to go to a doctor already. I promise to get better, sweetie. Just focus on your studies and exams, kay? :)

In other news, I got to see Rodrigo tonight at work. Man I missed that guy! I think we had a great laugh over me getting arrested at the border. He read my blog earlier and he jokes about me staying in "the crowbar hotel" even though I never actually went to jail. Good laughs though, good laughs. I think we sometimes swear too much at work when no one else is around, but it's good to just kick back and have some fun like that. Just chill, yanno? Tomorrow is a Saigon by Night, night. It's where we always order Chinese food from. It's almost become tradition or something. A weekly ritual or whatever. He introduced us at the center there to the greatness that is Saigon and we all love it! At least anyone who's tried their food.

I miss a lot of people who worked at the call center before I went on vacation. There are so many new faces, and don't get me wrong, they're nice people...but I still miss seeing the familiar folks. So many people have left... Rod is down to part time, Vanja quit, Janice quit, Desmond quit, Daniel quit... like, who is left? I seriously need to ask for my damn raise, esp since I am the 3rd most senior person who's still there (if you don't count Paige, who is now also very casual part time). And I am STILL waiting for my benefits. It's been two damn months!! It should NOT take that long! What the heck happens should I need them before they give me my damned card?!

Bah... sometimes I get so frustrated with that place....

Fun and Frolick

2008-03-03T21:47:00.000-08:00

So at the beginning of February I left to take a trip to the eastern USA for a two week stint. I am soooo glad I left to do that. It was my first trip by myself and i went by bus. It was the most cost effective way to travel and I could see more than if I flew(and expressed a passport).

I went to Pennsylvania, New Jersey and New York and had myself a wonderful time. Majority of my vacation was spent with my sweetie, who goes to school in Pennsylvania. I stayed with him at his dorm and we got to go out to many different places. This was my first trip to the states since I was like, 4, and the first I hope, of many. The weather was somewhat sketchy for awhile, with PA having a lot of blizzard like storms and thick fog. I'd say the weather was really nice about half the time I was there.

I got there on a Friday night, really late, and by the time we drove back from Pittsburgh to where I was staying, it was like 2am. Still, we didn't sleep right away(my sweetie and I) as we had so much to catch up on and I wanted to clean up and change from the long bus ride(2 days). I think we ended up asleep about 2 or 3 hours later.

The weekend was spent driving about as I was shown the various things around the campus, and going for walks. We went to our first movie together that Saturday night and we also went out for dinner at Ruby Tuesdays. It was the first time I'd ever eaten at that chain and I must say that the food was rather good and I got full fast. The movie we went to see was Fools Gold and the picture was lacklustre at best, but all in all it was a wonderful date.

I seem to recall spending Sunday sleeping in and snuggling a lot, which was the best. I get cold easily and he made sure to keep me very warm. I feel so safe when he has his arms around me, as well as very loved and cared for.

We went out a lot to various restaurants, such as T.G.I. Fridays, Applebees,Chili's....as well as some local places around the campus. It was so great to get to experience these different chains which are huge in the States but not so much within Canada. We did order in once or twice, or got something to bring back to the dorms, but it wasn't as nice as going out to relax elsewhere and just chill.

That Monday night we got the opportunity to see Will Ferrell's Funny or Die comedy tour at the college there and it was soooo awesome!! I can't recall the last time I ever laughed so hard in my entire life!!! I literally had trouble breathing after the show was over. There was Will Ferrell, Demitri Martin, Nick Swardson an d Zack Galifianakis who were all GREAT comedians! I'd definitely see them all again, should the opportunity ever come again.

The weekend of the 16th, we took a trip to Newark, NJ and took the PATH into NYC and spent the weekend there. NYC is an AMAZING city, but a big city too...OMG. I can't remember when we did so much damn walking. We must've walked like 80+ blocks in those two days. We did take the subway and a cab for a little bit. I met up with some great people too during my trip to NYC - Adele, Josh and Luis. Man, what great characters, esp Luis. I hope we can meet up again when I plan to travel back that way within a few months time.

Ended up seeing a few movies during my vacation. The before mentioned Fools Gold, Juno, The Spiderwick Chronicles and Definitely, Maybe. I liked Juno the best. What a fantastic movie! If you haven't seen it, you simply must!! We saw Definitely, Maybe in a theater in NYC that was 5 levels! It was huge! At least there were a lot of escalators. Oh and the seats were big and kinda reclined a slight bit, which totally rocked of course. Nothing like theaters here where I live.

I got to do some touristy things in NYC, since of course, that's what a tourist does, right? I went to the Empire State building with my sweetie and got some pics. They are SLIGHTLY blurry because it was a bit windy out, and it was at night time (pictures will follow later). The view was amazing though and I'd go again, even though it is expensive. I'd try to go during the day next time. The lines are long however, and I'd probably try to go before I did a lot of walking around the city again. I have my ticket still from being there, so I do have proof besides the pics. I think we spent at least an hour and a half there. Afterwards we went to a little cafe we found while looking for the movie theater were we went to see Definitely, Maybe. The cafe had some great Tiramisu (I know that's spelled wrong) and my babe and I each had something to drink.

Of course trip to NYC isn't complete without seeing Central Park or Times Square. I must say I got some great photos in each place. Central park is a pretty damn nice park, but so is our inner city park. I'd like to take a carriage ride through the park sometime perhaps, and maybe get something from their gift shop. Times Square though, was amazing! It looks so beautiful all lit up at night, which is when we went. I did a bit of shopping there, but not too much. NYC is an expensive place. We did have some good Italian while in Little Italy/China town. I didn't get to see everything I wanted to in NYC, but from what I did see, it was a great trip. More next time, I swear.

I did get to meet Luis in NYC and he's a cutie. He has a bit of an accent as he is able to speak fluent Spanish and that's incredibly sexy. I think my babe was thinking I was trying to make him jealous by saying Luis was sexy, but I wasn't in the slightest. Luis may be sexy, but my babe is much sexier. The three of us went out for a late lunch and ate at a place called Hamburger Heaven and they had the best burgers any of us had ever eaten! We all commented on how tasty they were...and filling too!! After that we went to Nacy's to help Luis find some dress shirts for an interview he had that weekend(which is why he was in NYC). I wish him luck, if he hasn't found out yet whether he got the job or not.

The hotel we stayed in in Newark was nice. It was the Marriott by the airport and it had an amazing view from the 5th floor where we were. The beds were nice and fluffy and I wanted to steal their pillows and take them home with me, haha. Perhaps we'll stay there again sometime, I don't know. I liked it, even though my babe was sick and I had to take care of him. We also met up with Adele and Josh for some Portugese which was good. I had never had Portugese before and I was surprised at how much I actually liked it.

The drive back to PA from NYC was VERY long because the driving conditions were horrible! It was a blizzard out and the fog was so thick you could barely see 2 feet in front of your car! How we got back in one piece is really a credit to my baby's driving. We did stop once though, at a Denny's for some dessert and so my baby could rest his eyes. That was fun... chocolate at like 2 am. We didn't get home until 430am and even then, we weren't quite ready for sleep. Watched some Nick at Nite for awhile before eventually falling asleep.

The next week seemed to go by a lot faster than I'd hoped. I knew that I would have to leave at the end of the week and I was not prepared to go. I was sad. I wanted to stay so much longer. We made the most of the week though. We met Eli on Tuesday and went to a nice restaurant and then to the Creamery, a place on campus where they actually serve ice cream they make right there in the building. They even have cows out back!! The ice cream was awesome.

I wish I had gotten pictures of some of the campus, but I didn't have time, believe it or not. I will get some next time I go back.My babe and I did make the most of our time together, I think. We got some drinks on that Thursday and watched some movies together in his room. When I got to the bus depot the next day, we spent a bit of time together since my bus was delayed, and then when I boarded the bus, I cried. I knew how much I'd miss him. I already miss him terribly, but I can't do anything about it, but bust my butt to get back there in a few months, and for longer.

I had so much trouble getting back home. Delays...getting stranded in Fargo, ND...getting arrested at the border... it was fun times...NOT. Getting home was easily the worst part of the trip. I got arrested because there was an outstanding warrant for my failure to appear as a witness in court, but I did. The crown prosecutor told me he'd taken care of it, but he didn't so now I have to call the police to make sure it gets canceled. It was the prosecutors fault that I was at the wrong court, as he didn't tell me where to go and did misdirect me. Oh well, I got cleared to come home, and I am home now so that's what matters.

All in all, it was a great vacation and I can't wait to go back.