Lost

You ever have the feeling that what you do and who you are means absolutely nothing? That you are like a square peg in a round hole...that you just don't fit? I definitely feel that way more often than not. I don't understand where I should be. I don't "get it." Life has me feeling like I'm drowning and there's no one there to throw me a life preserver and say, "Hey you know what? You need to be here because the world needs you. You may not see it now, but you DO have a purpose here on this earth and if we lost you, the world wouldn't be the same." I keep waiting for that. I keep waiting to see that bright light at the end of the tunnel but it doesn't seem to wanna shine for me.

My gramma is gone now. The only gramma I ever knew has left this world for a much better place than this. I hope she's at peace and I'm so glad she isn't suffering anymore but goodness knows I miss her so much! I miss hearing her say she loves me in that half Canadian, half Danish accent she so lovingly spoke in. I miss her asking if we wanted her to knit something for us, like scarves or dishclothes or hats. I miss her meatball soup, how it always felt so warm trickling down my throat as if she meant to give us a hug from the inside with her warm cooking. I miss so much about her.

I lost my job a month ago tomorrow. I've been looking but I cannot find anything in terms of employment. I have applied for EI and I am waiting to hear from them but so far, nothing yet. I miss the useful feeling you get when you have a job to go to. I miss having a reason to wake up in the morning.

I feel broken. I feel lost. I don't know how to fix either of these feelings right now. I wish life had an instructional manual. Some kind of guidelines that could help you get back on track when stuff like this happens. But unfortunately that is why life is not easy at times, because there is no manual. There is no blueprint for how to live or how to fix a broken you. But man....It'd be sweet if there was....