It's been awhile

Well I don't know if anyone actually reads this anymore, but I don't care. I can use it to vent which is what I need(and off topic, this is typing out a lot faster for some reason...rock on!)

Had a series of ups and downs lately and I can honestly say it's been a huge roller coaster ride. The lows I've had, oh man, have they ever been low. I have done enough crying to last a lifetime within the past few weeks. The highs, are getting better. I'm starting to realize a lot of things that I didn't before and these self realizations are definitely good.

I have had a few friends tell me, more or less, that I am messed up. They think they're telling me something new, but they really aren't. I know I am messed up. I don't try to pretend that I'm perfect by any means. I know a good many reasons as to why I am the way I am and I'm determined to fix them. It is really hard though, when you need support to help get better, and your friends bail on you. I don't know, maybe it'll work out for the best. Maybe I need time away from them, but only time will determine if that is a true statement or not.

It's really sad that it's taken the events of late for me to realize how much I'm getting caught up in so much trivial bullshit. I look back on it and I can't believe how I got so sucked into it all. But, I am only human after all and we all make mistakes. Trick is, now I have to learn from said mistakes right? That might be easier said than done. And this is why I am currently exploring means of outside help. I know a lot of what's wrong, but maybe there is also things I'm not seeing. So I am sure this is for my own good. I'm ready to seek professional help. I should have done it ages ago. Not for anyone, but for me. I need to stop feeling depressed, and I do often and not many people even know that. I don't know how many people who are close to me even know how bad I can often feel. Thankfully I don't get days where I don't wanna get out of bed(aside from the fact that I'm just SO comfortable, hehe, but we all get those kind of days). I do want to experience life.

My trip last month was a wonderful experience for me. It was very liberating and made me feel like I had so much control of my own life. I traveled alone for the first time, went to see people I consider good friends, got to go to places I'd never been to, take awesome pictures and try different things... I was free. I could do what I wanted and be where I wanted. I felt loved and it was all an incredible high. I felt so happy and it was easily the most happy I'd ever felt. Many may argue that the reason I felt happy was because I was attached and in love, and I won't lie, it was a big part, but it wasn't the only part. A huge part was just the sheer freedom and accomplishment of being able to do something like this myself--to be able to decide I wanted to do something, and do it. I love that feeling. It's a rush and I want it again.

I am going to start saving up some money. Might be for a trip, might not. That, I've not decided yet. I have just recovered from the financials of this last trip, and though the past month may have been a bit hard, I made it and I don't regret one single thing about it.

I'm going to work on me. Work all all the things about myself I feel I've been seriously neglecting. I don't want to rely on anyone, but I do hope to have some friends around. I do have some and they've been absolutely wonderful. Some others, I will admit, could seriously be better and act like friends. I'm tired of the few of you who will make plans and then constantly bail on me. That's not cool, and that's not being friends at all. So please, those friends who are like that, smarten up! I'm not going to stick around forever if you keep doing that as I deserve friends who'll be there and act like friends.

There, I've said my peace... for now. More to come in later days... Stay tuned!