The time is 7:35am. The sun is out and has been for almost 2 hours. My sleep schedule is fucked. I should get back to normal time, but it is during the night and earliest hours of the morning that I find my solitude. You'd think that being by myself with only my dogs around me as company all day would be solitude enough for me, but I still hear the noises that aren't there. A rush of cars, the loud neighbours as they drink away the day, the tiniest sound that sends my dogs into an alarming frenzy. No, night is where my sanity and sanctuary lies. My sister is never here these days so I can crank my music and sing foolishly but proudly at the top of my lungs. I can watch dorky videos on YouTube or chat with friends without someone nosing in on what I'm doing. I can do secretive things like write in my blog or load my photography/writings to DA. I can watch all the movies she doesn't like and and scream loudly at the TV whenever a football game is on.
I do need sleep sometime though. The house won't clean itself, and I cannot rely on her to be here to help. No, it's just me. My bed beckons me. Maybe I should go say hello and goodnight(day).
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Being the girl...Or how I figured out life.
Tonight, I have come to realize a few things.
1. Life is not as bad as you make it out to be and only gets its devious knack to bring you down from you letting it do so.
2. It's all the small, little things that make life truly awesome.
Earlier, my father called me. The time was around 3pm. He asked what I was doing. The day was boring, and I said I was not doing anything. He told me he had picked up the dog food I had asked him to get for our dogs, and was bringing it over. He also told me to get ready so we could go out. Go out? I didn't know why or for what, but I got my stuff ready to lock up the house. He brought the food, I fed the dogs and locked the house up. My daddy then proceeded to take me out for ice cream. We talked, laughed, had fun. I went with him to the condo my parents rent and where my youngest sister lives. We had just picked her up from work and once 'home' we had proceeded to make dinner. Grilled cheese and turkey sandwiches. Nothing fancy, but they were delicious. After eating, we sat in their living room and ordered a movie off of Front Row. We watched the Pink Panther 2. Was pretty good, shared some laughs and then, once that was over I stayed awhile and he drove me home. The whole turn of events, while not extraordinary, made my day.
Right now, I am sitting here currently having the most odd, but hilariously fun conversations. Some with friends, some with random people. I have music on and am drinking Diet Coke <3. I am reading MLIA and laughing my ass off. Some of these things are not out of normal activity for me, and yet today I feel happy. Happiness is a feeling I have not found myself experiencing much in past months, but today I am.
I need to take back the power that sadness has had over me for so long. Sure life has a lot of sad things about it right now, like no job, no money, stress that comes with both of those, but they do not define me. Being the girl who everyone turns to in a bind, is. Being the girl who likes to sing stupid songs at the top of her lungs, is. Being the girl who loves everyone as much as she can, despite race or background or age, is. Being the girl who takes a photo and sees the beauty in small things, is. Being the girl who loves CFL and can tell you how much points a field goal gets you or the number of her favorite player, is. Being the girl who can be content sitting at her desk, listening to music, talking to random strangers, is.
Being me defines who I am. What defines you?
1. Life is not as bad as you make it out to be and only gets its devious knack to bring you down from you letting it do so.
2. It's all the small, little things that make life truly awesome.
Earlier, my father called me. The time was around 3pm. He asked what I was doing. The day was boring, and I said I was not doing anything. He told me he had picked up the dog food I had asked him to get for our dogs, and was bringing it over. He also told me to get ready so we could go out. Go out? I didn't know why or for what, but I got my stuff ready to lock up the house. He brought the food, I fed the dogs and locked the house up. My daddy then proceeded to take me out for ice cream. We talked, laughed, had fun. I went with him to the condo my parents rent and where my youngest sister lives. We had just picked her up from work and once 'home' we had proceeded to make dinner. Grilled cheese and turkey sandwiches. Nothing fancy, but they were delicious. After eating, we sat in their living room and ordered a movie off of Front Row. We watched the Pink Panther 2. Was pretty good, shared some laughs and then, once that was over I stayed awhile and he drove me home. The whole turn of events, while not extraordinary, made my day.
Right now, I am sitting here currently having the most odd, but hilariously fun conversations. Some with friends, some with random people. I have music on and am drinking Diet Coke <3. I am reading MLIA and laughing my ass off. Some of these things are not out of normal activity for me, and yet today I feel happy. Happiness is a feeling I have not found myself experiencing much in past months, but today I am.
I need to take back the power that sadness has had over me for so long. Sure life has a lot of sad things about it right now, like no job, no money, stress that comes with both of those, but they do not define me. Being the girl who everyone turns to in a bind, is. Being the girl who likes to sing stupid songs at the top of her lungs, is. Being the girl who loves everyone as much as she can, despite race or background or age, is. Being the girl who takes a photo and sees the beauty in small things, is. Being the girl who loves CFL and can tell you how much points a field goal gets you or the number of her favorite player, is. Being the girl who can be content sitting at her desk, listening to music, talking to random strangers, is.
Being me defines who I am. What defines you?
Saturday, August 22, 2009
Happy
Things that make me happy:
* E.S.M.
* CFL Football
* MLIA
* Friends
* Good movies
* Shopping
* Photography
* My dogs
* Rain
* Writing
* Music
* Singing
* Diet Coke
* Christmas
* Cooking
I've felt a bit happier these days and I felt the need to return here. I've been getting more into photography...I'm feeling creative again.. It's so wonderful, so I had to share. :)
* E.S.M.
* CFL Football
* MLIA
* Friends
* Good movies
* Shopping
* Photography
* My dogs
* Rain
* Writing
* Music
* Singing
* Diet Coke
* Christmas
* Cooking
I've felt a bit happier these days and I felt the need to return here. I've been getting more into photography...I'm feeling creative again.. It's so wonderful, so I had to share. :)
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Grieving
"Wonderwall" - Oasis
Today is gonna be the day
That they're gonna throw it back to you
By now you should've somehow
Realized what you gotta do
I don't believe that anybody
Feels the way I do about you now
Backbeat the word was on the street
That the fire in your heart is out
I'm sure you've heard it all before
But you never really had a doubt
I don't believe that anybody feels
The way I do about you now
And all the roads we have to walk along are winding
And all the lights that lead us there are blinding
There are many things that I would
Like to say to you
I don't know how
Because maybe
You're gonna be the one who saves me?
And after all
You're my wonderwall
Today was gonna be the day
But they'll never throw it back to you
By now you should've somehow
Realized what you're not to do
I don't believe that anybody
Feels the way I do
About you now
And all the roads that lead to you were winding
And all the lights that light the way are blinding
There are many things that I would like to say to you
I don't know how
I said maybe
You're gonna be the one who saves me?
And after all
You're my wonderwall
I said maybe
You're gonna be the one who saves me?
And after an
You're my wonderwall
Said maybe
You're gonna be the one that saves me
You're gonna be the one that saves me
You're gonna be the one that saves me
I miss you and will always love you, Gramma. Rest in Peace.
Today is gonna be the day
That they're gonna throw it back to you
By now you should've somehow
Realized what you gotta do
I don't believe that anybody
Feels the way I do about you now
Backbeat the word was on the street
That the fire in your heart is out
I'm sure you've heard it all before
But you never really had a doubt
I don't believe that anybody feels
The way I do about you now
And all the roads we have to walk along are winding
And all the lights that lead us there are blinding
There are many things that I would
Like to say to you
I don't know how
Because maybe
You're gonna be the one who saves me?
And after all
You're my wonderwall
Today was gonna be the day
But they'll never throw it back to you
By now you should've somehow
Realized what you're not to do
I don't believe that anybody
Feels the way I do
About you now
And all the roads that lead to you were winding
And all the lights that light the way are blinding
There are many things that I would like to say to you
I don't know how
I said maybe
You're gonna be the one who saves me?
And after all
You're my wonderwall
I said maybe
You're gonna be the one who saves me?
And after an
You're my wonderwall
Said maybe
You're gonna be the one that saves me
You're gonna be the one that saves me
You're gonna be the one that saves me
I miss you and will always love you, Gramma. Rest in Peace.
Lyrics
You came apart on me last Sunday morning
Chocked and indicted by the truth
And it's always tough when there's never enough
Of the good things coming
And there was never enough for you
There was never enough for you
Butterfly
Where you gone
I can't see you anymore
My eyes are taken still too high
Came down naked on you
Butterfly
Where you gone
I can't feel you anymore
I can't feel you anymore
Got excited when I thought that we would last
Twisted inside out 'til we were drowning
From the first attack we could never go back so we just keep on coming
But I was never enough for you
Was there ever enough for you
Butterfly
Where you gone
I can't feel you anymore
My eyes are taken still too high
Came down naked on you
Butterfly
Where you gone
I can't feel you anymore
I can't feel you anymore
And if you think you're dying
Baby well you know I felt the same
'Cause we were only hoping
Why's it always feel like, feel like
It feels like rain
Butterfly
Where you gone
I can't see you anymore
My eyes are taken still too high
Came down naked on you
Butterfly
Where you gone
I can't feel you anymore
I can't feel you anymore
I can't feel you anymore
I can't feel you anymore
Chocked and indicted by the truth
And it's always tough when there's never enough
Of the good things coming
And there was never enough for you
There was never enough for you
Butterfly
Where you gone
I can't see you anymore
My eyes are taken still too high
Came down naked on you
Butterfly
Where you gone
I can't feel you anymore
I can't feel you anymore
Got excited when I thought that we would last
Twisted inside out 'til we were drowning
From the first attack we could never go back so we just keep on coming
But I was never enough for you
Was there ever enough for you
Butterfly
Where you gone
I can't feel you anymore
My eyes are taken still too high
Came down naked on you
Butterfly
Where you gone
I can't feel you anymore
I can't feel you anymore
And if you think you're dying
Baby well you know I felt the same
'Cause we were only hoping
Why's it always feel like, feel like
It feels like rain
Butterfly
Where you gone
I can't see you anymore
My eyes are taken still too high
Came down naked on you
Butterfly
Where you gone
I can't feel you anymore
I can't feel you anymore
I can't feel you anymore
I can't feel you anymore
Lost
You ever have the feeling that what you do and who you are means absolutely nothing? That you are like a square peg in a round hole...that you just don't fit? I definitely feel that way more often than not. I don't understand where I should be. I don't "get it." Life has me feeling like I'm drowning and there's no one there to throw me a life preserver and say, "Hey you know what? You need to be here because the world needs you. You may not see it now, but you DO have a purpose here on this earth and if we lost you, the world wouldn't be the same." I keep waiting for that. I keep waiting to see that bright light at the end of the tunnel but it doesn't seem to wanna shine for me.
My gramma is gone now. The only gramma I ever knew has left this world for a much better place than this. I hope she's at peace and I'm so glad she isn't suffering anymore but goodness knows I miss her so much! I miss hearing her say she loves me in that half Canadian, half Danish accent she so lovingly spoke in. I miss her asking if we wanted her to knit something for us, like scarves or dishclothes or hats. I miss her meatball soup, how it always felt so warm trickling down my throat as if she meant to give us a hug from the inside with her warm cooking. I miss so much about her.
I lost my job a month ago tomorrow. I've been looking but I cannot find anything in terms of employment. I have applied for EI and I am waiting to hear from them but so far, nothing yet. I miss the useful feeling you get when you have a job to go to. I miss having a reason to wake up in the morning.
I feel broken. I feel lost. I don't know how to fix either of these feelings right now. I wish life had an instructional manual. Some kind of guidelines that could help you get back on track when stuff like this happens. But unfortunately that is why life is not easy at times, because there is no manual. There is no blueprint for how to live or how to fix a broken you. But man....It'd be sweet if there was....
My gramma is gone now. The only gramma I ever knew has left this world for a much better place than this. I hope she's at peace and I'm so glad she isn't suffering anymore but goodness knows I miss her so much! I miss hearing her say she loves me in that half Canadian, half Danish accent she so lovingly spoke in. I miss her asking if we wanted her to knit something for us, like scarves or dishclothes or hats. I miss her meatball soup, how it always felt so warm trickling down my throat as if she meant to give us a hug from the inside with her warm cooking. I miss so much about her.
I lost my job a month ago tomorrow. I've been looking but I cannot find anything in terms of employment. I have applied for EI and I am waiting to hear from them but so far, nothing yet. I miss the useful feeling you get when you have a job to go to. I miss having a reason to wake up in the morning.
I feel broken. I feel lost. I don't know how to fix either of these feelings right now. I wish life had an instructional manual. Some kind of guidelines that could help you get back on track when stuff like this happens. But unfortunately that is why life is not easy at times, because there is no manual. There is no blueprint for how to live or how to fix a broken you. But man....It'd be sweet if there was....
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Randoms
* My favorite color is Pink *
* I have never traveled anywhere that was not located on the continent of North America *
* I've been published *
* My (current) favorite musical artist is Taylor Swift *
* I have 3 middle names *
* I have never traveled anywhere that was not located on the continent of North America *
* I've been published *
* My (current) favorite musical artist is Taylor Swift *
* I have 3 middle names *
Sunday, February 22, 2009
3 month catch-up
So once again, I've left this blog and let it sit for what seems like forever. There's no reason really other than the fact that I do not write when I do not feel like writing. It doesn't mean I don't want to write more than I do, but it happens.
Anyways, lots has happened. Lost my job last week unexpectedly and out of nowhere. They tell me it's because of my sales but I am fairly certain that a certain coworker had a hand in my being let go. Whatever. I really liked that job but now I don't have it and I can't cry over it. Just have to find a new one now.
My gramma has gotten worse and worse and we heard today that the doctors don't expect her to make it through the next 48 hours. The cancer is bad and she's got a clot in her heart. I love her SO much and I want her not to suffer anymore. I know she's in pain so I want her to go. I'll miss her but I love her and this is what's best.
My sister's ex fiance is moving out now. He will be gone within a few hours and I am so glad he's finally going. He has been nothing but an asshole and he should have left forever ago. I really hope my sister sticks to her guns and won't let him come back this time.
Life is really hard right now and I hope it gets better soon.
Anyways, lots has happened. Lost my job last week unexpectedly and out of nowhere. They tell me it's because of my sales but I am fairly certain that a certain coworker had a hand in my being let go. Whatever. I really liked that job but now I don't have it and I can't cry over it. Just have to find a new one now.
My gramma has gotten worse and worse and we heard today that the doctors don't expect her to make it through the next 48 hours. The cancer is bad and she's got a clot in her heart. I love her SO much and I want her not to suffer anymore. I know she's in pain so I want her to go. I'll miss her but I love her and this is what's best.
My sister's ex fiance is moving out now. He will be gone within a few hours and I am so glad he's finally going. He has been nothing but an asshole and he should have left forever ago. I really hope my sister sticks to her guns and won't let him come back this time.
Life is really hard right now and I hope it gets better soon.
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